Hello there, I'm Jeraldo Revara of the Imperial News Network. Today we are visiting a very special place, "The Emperors Paradise", a recently
opened retirement home for space marines who have stepped down from their long years of service with the Emperor and now get to enjoy their golden years in complete luxury. A just and fitting reward for these hardy warriors. Sitting here with me is the renowned Chapter Master of
the Mighty Ultramarines during two hundred years of the 35th millennium, Gaius Canis Maximus.
Ah, hello there Mr. Gaius, how are you feeling today?
He can't hear you.
I'm sorry what did you say?
I said, he can't hear you. He had his auditory nerves ripped out after a bad exchange with some of those panty waist Noise Marines. Said they desecrated all forms of sound, so he had his ears ripped out. He can't feel anything either. Said the sensations he experienced during the fight were blasphemous. So he had the techies rip those nerves out as well. Now he just sits there and rocks back and forth, if you know what I mean.
He's fine now, except every now and then he sort of flies into a rage, but it's been awhile since that's happened. I imagine the sensory deprivation is what triggers it. The medicine these hospital pukes give him doesn't do anything, that's for sure. Just watch his face. If it
starts to twitch on the right side, then he's getting ready to blow.
Did I mention that he made them rip his eyes out too?
Ah, Ok...and who are you?
You can call me Mr. Deathwing, but don't bother asking me what my secret is, cause I won't tell you...are you one of those nosy reporters?
Uh, right. Ok, we...ah, would you mind if I ask you a couple of questions as long as I don't ask about your...uh, secret?
I suppose that would be Ok, but if you try to trick me I'll put my powerfist on and rip your lips off, know what I mean.
Uh, yes...you space marines sure seem to be fond of ripping things.
green bean!" Then I ripped his head off. I ripped his lips off too, just to be sure, you never can tell with those friggin orks.
Sooo, Mr. Deathwing how long were you in the Emperors service?
Oh, who bloody knows. We space marines don't waste our breath keeping track of time. All we know is that there's someplace where we're needed so off we go...and if we're lucky, we get to rip people's heads off...well, other things heads off too. If we're really lucky, the things have more than one head! That means bonus heads, if you know what I mean.
Ok, I see...<pause>, Um there don't seem to be a lot of you around?
Well, of course not. Have you ever seen the kinds of things the Emperor asks us to do? Bloody he<bleep>, it's a wonder we all don't die off after a few fights...uh, not that I mind, mind you, I was made to rip heads off, in fact I find it quite relaxing if you know what I mean.
Hmm, well you've been very helpful today, but I think I'll see if I can talk to a few more of the veterans who are staying here. <gets up to leave>
Won't do you any good, there's nobody else here but him and me. But you might as well move along anyway, my viddie show is on in a moment. I just love the "Fear Quotient". Tonight some wimp will be eating raw gaunt guts and I don't want to miss it. I hate bugs, if you know what I mean.
Well, thank you for your time, Mr. Deathwing, I look forward to...
Nosy reporter, thought you were going to get away with my secret, were you?